Hi, I’m Jason, And Yes I’m a Writer
From the title, you can probably tell I was here before. Most of you probably won’t remember that, though. I suspect most of my audience will be new. With that being the case, let me tell you a little about myself.
Hi! I’m Jason. I’m a writer. It’s funny that there are a few things in life we are afraid to claim. One of those that seems to be hard for people to claim is being a writer. But that’s what I am, it’s what I’m doing right now.
I’ve Loved Words My Whole Life
My entire life I’ve always been interested in the written word. My mom says I even carried a pencil and paper around as a small child. And yes, throughout school I was the kid who secretly wanted to write stories and papers. The plan was to go to college and major in journalism. I started that plan and anxiety stopped it.
That’s another thing, my life has been plagued by anxiety and depression at times. Most of my life was undiagnosed. I thought I was normal, that what I was feeling was something everyone felt and that I was just failing all the time because of laziness or just being weak.
Anxiety, Missed Opportunities, and a life I Didn’t Choose
Wow, I’m just really getting into it huh? Well, if we’re going to go deep we may as well go all the way. So, I dropped out of college because my anxiety was robbing me of so many opportunities. I had a full ride scholarship with the College Bowl team. However, when it came time for our first match I bailed. I couldn’t do it. Then I was too afraid to go back at all. I ended up getting a factory job and I got married.
Growing Up Gay In a Southern Church
Now, that’s a whole different story. Because when you boil everything down, most of my anxiety revolved around me not being able to be myself. I was afraid all the time. Afraid I was going to hell. Afraid I would be found out. Afraid of living the life I dreamed of.
I’m sure you can see where this is going. It’s even hard for me to say it now, because I haven’t said it out loud to a lot of people. I’m gay. Two words. Two words that have changed so many lives.
I was raised very religious. I heard hell fire and brimstone preachers preach all the time about homosexuals burning in hell.
Knowing I Was Different, And Trying to Hide It
When I was in 4th grade I knew I was different than the other guys. I heard adults around me talking about how they thought I needed a male influence in my life. They saw it too. The fact is, I felt like I had a lot of male influence. The fact is I knew then and know now, that it had nothing to do with that. I liked boys.
I felt more comfortable hanging around the girls. I felt safer. I wasn’t good at sports, I didn’t have any interest in it, no interest in cars or most of the things boys had interest in. The thing is I didn’t choose to be that way. I just was.
That began my battle, the moment I was first called fag, a queer, and a sissy. Other people saw that I was different. I didn’t know how to navigate. I had no literature I could read, no shows to watch that had people like me represented in a real way. I just floated along trying to fit in as best I could.
Trying to Be The “Good Boy” Everyone Wanted
It didn’t work though. Even through high school, I was teased and called names. I really enjoyed hanging out with the ladies at church. I didn’t even feel like I fit in with the men there. I just wasn’t interested in the same things. I couldn’t relate to them.
I did have a few girlfriends, most of them didn’t last long because the question would come up about kissing them and I didn’t want to. I then went out with a girl from my church and her parents loved me, because they thought I was super close to God and that I didn’t try to make moves on their daughter. They trusted me a LOT. If I had been a straight boy, that whole thing would have been different.
Religious Fear, Shame, and Internal Conflict
As time went by, that girl and I broke up and got back together a few times. I tried so hard to be the good boy I needed to be. Because I was surrounded by reminders of what happens to queer people.
AIDS a huge concern at the time, and the way Christians were saying that it was sent to the gays by God as a punishment scared me. The preaching about how gays end up in hell terrified me. I prayed so many nights for God to take the feelings from me. Yet, they remained.
I found myself looking at magazines that had shirtless men, men in underwear, and even JC Penney catalogs. I didn’t know why. I tried to tell myself it was normal for straight guys to look at that. Even though I knew full well, straight guys were talking about boobs and more and being graphic about what they wanted to do to girls. I on the other hand had different thoughts.
Marriage, Denial, and Breaking Free
As time went on, the I kind of felt like the women of the church knew what I was too. I think they encouraged me to pursue the girl from our church as a wife. Once the thought was there, I went with it. I thought it would fix me.
I married at age 20 and I still couldn’t get rid of the feelings inside of me. I won’t go into the details of that marriage. I did have a love for her. I thought it was what I was supposed to feel, but I found out later it wasn’t. It was more the love you have for a family member, or a close friend.
After 22 years of marriage and many health issues, and severe anxiety and depression, I had to make changes. I felt like I was just existing with a roommate, and that is no shade to her whatsoever. She was amazing and I feel horrible for the way I went about things. But I didn’t know what to do. I just knew that if I stayed I would probably die an early death.
Starting Over And Learning to Love Freely
Even after I left and we divorced and I went to Mexico. I still didn’t come out. I couldn’t. I had been a man of the church for all these years and for me to come out I thought would hurt others.
So I continued to just live my life in the closet. I found a man who loves and supports me so much. Beyond what I thought was possible. The love I feel now has shocked me. And I mean that in the best way possible. I never knew love felt like this.
And even now, I still can’t share that openly with my family. Even though now most of them know I am gay. I told my daughter just last month and I began to post about it on Facebook some. I’m just to the point now, at almost 50 that I don’t care who knows.
Why I Write: Southern Queer Stories That Matter
So there you have it. My story in a big nutshell. In these blog posts and writings you will see me go into more things, but this is what you need to know for why I am choosing to write what I write.
My plan is to focus on writing about Southern, queer characters who have to navigate life in the south. That life often involves the faith community. When you are raised like many of us in the South, to love God and to hold onto him. It’s not something you lose easily.
It’s not something I want to lose, but the Church isn’t a friendly place for us and I want to explore that in my writing. I want to be a voice for all the young queer people who feel like they don’t have a place to get information. Who want to see themselves in a book, a story, a show, or anywhere.
Let’s Build Something Together
If I can help one person to find courage to be their authentic self, then I will be successful. I want to make people feel things. I want to write with strong emotions that make people want to change things, to love harder, to find peace, and to be kind.
Join me won’t you? I want this to be a community where we can come together and support one another. That’s all for now my margin dwellers. Let’s fight the darkness.